Watch the full conversation with divorce coach Sara Davison on Conversations That Heal here 👉 From Surviving to "Screw You, Watch This": Toxic Relationships and Taking Your Power Back

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There is a moment that happens before everything changes.

Before the conversation. Before the lawyer. Before the boxes and the moving truck and the telling of the children.

It is the moment you find something in a drawer that was not supposed to be there. Or you notice a feeling that has been quietly growing for months. Or you wake up one morning and realize the person lying next to you is a stranger wearing a familiar face.

You know something’s  wrong.

And you don’t tell anyone.

Not your mom. Not your best friend. Not even the person who caused it.

Sara Davison, known globally as the Divorce Coach, described this moment in our recent conversation on Conversations That Heal. 

She found a false eyelash in her bedside drawer while looking for a hair band before the gym. She knew immediately what it meant. And she told no one.

Not because she was weak. Because her body was not ready yet.

That is not denial in the way we typically judge it. It’s a trauma response. The nervous system doing what it does when the ground drops out from underneath you. 

Buying time. Processing. Preparing.

If you are in that place right now, that quiet knowing before the storm, this article is for you.

The instinct when you first realize something is seriously wrong is often to confront it immediately. To have the conversation, make the decision, blow it all open.

Sometimes that really is the right move. But sometimes, especially in relationships where there is conflict, control, or any form of abuse, acting too quickly can put you at greater risk.

Sara is very clear on this point.

If you are thinking about leaving, especially a toxic or high-conflict relationship, do not make a dramatic exit without a plan. Get quiet. Get strategic. Get your ducks in a row.

That means:

Sara shared a statistic that stopped me completely. Thirty percent of domestic homicides happen within the first three months of separation. And eighty percent of those involved no previous physical violence.

This is not shared to frighten you. It is shared because understanding the reality of your situation is what keeps you safe. 

If you are in a relationship where any form of abuse is present, please reach out to a domestic abuse charity or helpline before making any moves. They can do a confidential risk assessment and help you build a safe exit plan.

You do not have to figure this out alone. And you do not have to figure it out all at once.

One of the most important things Sara talks about is who you have around you during this time.

Well-meaning friends are not always the right people for your support team. The best friend who loves you fiercely and is furious at your ex on your behalf? She is great for a night of venting. She is not great for helping you make clear-headed decisions about your future.

Sara had a client who, the night before their first coaching session, had gone through her ex's wardrobe with her best friend and a couple of bottles of wine. Camel hair coats. Leather shoes. Chopped into pieces.

It felt good in the moment. It did not serve her long term.

Your breakup support team needs people who can think clearly, stay calm, and keep your best interests at the center. 

That might include:

- A therapist or coach who specializes in relationship breakdown and emotional recovery.

- A family lawyer for legal clarity.

- A financial advisor if joint assets are involved.

- A friend or family member who is emotionally steady and not personally invested in the drama.

- An exercise buddy, dog walking friend, or class partner… someone who gives you a reason to get out of the house that does not depend entirely on your own motivation.

That last one matters more than it sounds. When you are in the depths of a divorce, getting out of bed can feel impossible. An accountability partner removes the question of whether you will show up. You just do.

There is a stigma around divorce that runs deep, especially for women.

Sara felt it. Her ex-husband had been having an affair that 199 of their 200 staff members knew about before she did. When it came out, the embarrassment and shame were enormous. She had built a global business with this person. Their lives were publicly intertwined. And still someone wrote on her social media: aren't you embarrassed?

Her answer was honest. Yes. And also… if speaking out helps even one person, it is worth every bit of the embarrassment.

Here is the reframe that Sara offers, and it is one I want to sit with for a moment.

Going through a divorce, especially a high-conflict or abusive one, requires a level of skill, resilience, and emotional management that most humans will never be asked to demonstrate. 

You are managing legal processes while parenting alone. You are processing grief while showing up for work. You are navigating co-parenting with someone who may be working against you at every turn. You are holding yourself together in front of your children while privately falling apart.

That is not failure.

That is superhuman.

The skills you develop to survive a difficult divorce, conflict resolution, emotional regulation, financial independence, boundary setting, crisis management, are skills most people will spend a lifetime trying to learn in easier circumstances. You are learning them under extraordinary pressure.

And pressure, as Sara says, is what turns glass into diamonds.

On average, it takes seven attempts to leave a toxic relationship.

That number is not a judgment. It is a reflection of how these relationships work. The cycle of tension, incident, withdrawal, and reconciliation is designed, often unconsciously, to keep you attached to the version of this person you fell in love with. 

The charming, generous, kind version that shows up just long enough to make you believe it was a mistake. That things can go back to how they were.

They do not go back. But we stay, because the hope that they will is more bearable than the grief of accepting that they won't.

If you are in that place, here is the question Sara recommends asking yourself:

What can I control right now?

Not your partner. Not the outcome of the divorce. Not what your in-laws think or what your mutual friends will say.

What can you control today?

Maybe it is making one phone call to a domestic abuse helpline. Maybe it is opening a savings account. Maybe it is googling what a consultation with a family lawyer costs… 

Maybe it is telling one safe person the truth.

You do not need to see the whole staircase. You just need to find the next step.

Sara's motto is not what you might expect from a polished, award-winning, internationally recognized coach.

It is three words: Screw you, watch this.

Not directed at the ex, necessarily. Directed at the old version of herself. The one who tolerated things she should not have. The one who said yes when she meant no. The one who made herself smaller so someone else could feel bigger.

Watch this is the decision point. The moment you stop letting the worst thing that happened to you define what comes next. The moment you pick up the pen and start writing a different story.

And that story does not have to be figured out all at once. It just has to have a direction. A picture, however blurry, of what you want your life to look like. Something to aim for. Something that gets you out of bed in the morning, even on the days when everything feels gray and impossible.

Because you cannot move toward something you cannot see.

Recovery from divorce is not linear. It is not a checklist. It is not a timeline you can plan in advance.

It is a boomerang effect, as Sara describes it. You get knocked off course. You feel the grief, the anger, the fear. And then you come back faster than you did the time before.

Not because the pain disappears. Because you start to build tools that help you find your footing more quickly. You start to trust yourself more. You start to recognize your own strength in places you never thought to look for it.

Some practical things that support genuine recovery:

Sara's final thought in our conversation is the one I want to leave you with.

It is not what happens to you in life that defines you. It is what you do about it.

Some of the most painful moments turn out to be the greatest gifts. That is not something you have to believe right now. But it is something worth keeping somewhere, for later, for the day when you are ready to reach for it.

You are stronger than you realize.

Watch the full conversation with Sara Davison on Conversations That Heal here 👉 Full Episode

You can find Sara on Instagram @Sara Davison, on her podcast Heartbreak to Happiness, and at saradavison.com. She runs free online support groups every week and her book, Screw You Watch This, is available now.

I'm Tracey Male. I've been where you are… in a relationship that slowly made me feel like I was disappearing. Exhausted, isolated, and quietly wondering how I got so far from the person I used to be. I found my way out, and I eventually found my way back to myself.

Now I spend my time having honest conversations with coaches, practitioners, and experts who help people heal naturally. Including the kind of conversation that inspired this article.

Real talk. Real answers. No fluff.

Subscribe to my YouTube channel so you never miss a conversation.

And if any part of this landed for you, hit reply and tell me. I read every single one.

Walking with you,

Tracey

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